I'm used to being stared at.

I am used to being stared at. 

Before you think this is a very arrogant post, please allow me to further explain. 

Because of the different circumstances that I have and have not been able to control, I am used to people staring at me. At school, I would break their trance with a smile that indicated I was waiting for their question that was obviously on their mind, hence the staring. The question was usually a stuttering statement; "You...uh you're uh...you're so white. Have you ever been to a tanning bed?" 

Some of these questions were excellent conversation starters. Some would innocently ask personal questions out of curiosity and I was always happy to answer them. Questions like, "Why is your hair so long? Why do you always wear skirts? Why are you so short? Why are you so white? Why are your glasses so big? Why do you talk like that? Where are you from, the sticks?" 

I always smile. I'm used to staring. I also have a sick and twisted sense of humor that pushes me to catch their eye and smile/stare back whenever they try to steal a second look. This often happens in grocery stores with the soccer moms that just can't understand my wardrobe. They give me a silent stare that screams "oh bless your heart.." and I give back a smile that screams "not a good time to ask you to church? Ok. I'll try next week!" 

In a world that is eaten UP with insecurity, I have managed through God Almighty to be very secure in my lifestyle choices. Don't get me wrong, everyone has insecurities to work through- I quit counting at 94 of the insecurities I have to give to God every day. But as far as the reason behind the things I'm stared at for- I'm pretty immovable. My white skin I can't help, but my sacrifices in my personal walk with God that just so happen to change my outward appearance, those can't be touched. 

So, back to what I was saying. I'm used to being stared at. Yes sometimes it gets old, and yes sometimes I want to ask them if they can stare somewhere else. But in 22 years it's become very common. 

Again, please do not think this is arrogance. These are just facts. And any woman with the same background or lifestyle preferences/convictions/what have you are probably waving their hankies reading this. It's something that the men in our lives aren't trained to look for- and that's fine. We still love them.

All of the reasons for staring stated above disappeared when I landed in Manila. The Philippines is an overall very modest nation- even in the hottest of temperatures you will see long sleeved blouses and pants. They have me beat for sure- my short sleeves are my saving grace some days. 

The new reason for staring is not that I am just an American and they think I'm loaded (which is HILARIOUS), but it's because I'm white. 

And not just white. 

Translucent white. Snow white. Xerox paper white. In a nation with beautiful caramel- chestnut skinned people everywhere you turn. 

So they stare. And I catch them. And they don't stop staring. And then I smile. And then they smile back. And they say "Hi ma'am!"

The children come up and take my hand and put it on their forehead. It's a sign of respect, and it's also them thinking that I am old. I'm trying to get over that. 

Some shy children slowly reach out a finger to touch my arm. They are afraid of someone so white...so imagine their surprise when I reach out to hug them- it's like they have found the real, live, white Bigfoot! :)

As my schedule allows, I will walk to the nearest mall about a block or two away to eat lunch/dinner and study at a coffee shop that has wireless when it is in the mood to have wireless. I try to eat at the same places to build relationships with the waiters and waitresses so that the Bible school students have contacts for Bible studies after I leave. I have met some incredibly hard workers in these restaurants that are so hungry for God. And yes, they stare too. But I don't mind. 

Today I had a few hours free before I resumed my duties at the school. I walked to Robinson's and asked for a table at a place that has great beef. Ladies and gentlemen, it's hard to find fabulous meat here. I will just leave it at that. 

I greeted my usual waitress and we made small talk about the day. She then reached for two menus to seat me. 

"Table for 2 ma'am?" 

I smiled, "No ma'am it's just me today." 

She formed this puzzled look on her face and looked behind me. 

"Table for 2?" she asked again, very confused. 

I laughed and held up my index finger and said, "One."

 Still so puzzled, she nodded and went to check availability for a table for one. "That's strange," I thought. 

Then all of the sudden, I felt a tangible brush on my arm and looked behind me. No one was there. 

"I bet the Bible school kids followed me and their playing a joke," I wondered. I walked around the corner, then the other to check. No one was on this floor of the mall. I stood and waited for the waitress to return. 

Again, a breeze swept by, like a person was hurriedly walking. I looked around and saw no one. I closed my eyes and said, "Ok God. It's been a long day and I'm a little slow sometimes but I promise I'm listening." All at once, a scroll appeared as soon as I closed my eyes of the scripture I have read so many times, Psalm 91:11. My eyes tightly shut, I read and whispered, "For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." Instantly, I felt the brush again. I knew I was finally understanding. A cloud of peace instantly overtook the atmosphere where I was standing, and I couldnt stop the tears as they begin to fill my eyes.

 The waitress came back, still slightly puzzled and said, "Table for one, ma'am?" 

"Table for t-t-two," I stammered, "I..... think someone is meeting me here."

She glanced over my shoulder and stared. I don't know what she was staring at...or who she was staring at....but I do know that I was not alone today. 

I'm used to being stared at.

God help me to never fall so deep as to lose His presence. My flesh will always be my HUGE stumbling block, but may God go before me to help me choose to chase after His spirit and will- never my own. 

Galatians 6:14 "But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world." 

Let them stare. 

-kshock.